hi there yesterday,this is today speaking.
now i know that we had some real good times and thoroughly enjoyed some real bad times when the shit was phbalanced all rush proper and stuff.Right now though dude i got to tell you that my mind is in a different place, my heart is tired of being alone and my soul is trying to ascend a little higher than the curb above my lifes old familiar gutter.i have done some pretty rough shit to myself and in the process caused more than my fair share or pain to others.i used to say "oh well!"and move on but i got to stop and re-assess that now.you see i am chained to the past of you yesterday by the links connecting me to some of those others who have there own perception of our interactions and find their own version of those events more traumatizing than i cared to admit might be realistic.some of those others have emotions for me that are way more positive and real than i dared to admit might be true because of the tunnel vision of my selfishly motivated cynicism and sense of granduer.it is funny because righjt now i feel so good and i really want to enjoy life and any time i can spend with any one i have ever known.i want to live for today all happy and shit but those chains find a way to instigate others to yank away at then.i dont like to choke so all i can do i gather them chains up in my hand yank back. that is where the real conflict comes into play, you see it is easy for me to fall back into the guy(or animal)i was yesterday.arrogance and verbal assault was my comfort food of choice when fine dining was called for and physical expressions of predatory aggression was the factory default setting of the chemically saturated split personality that was spawned by the side effects of the disease of my addiction.the internal anarchy of my soul was a festering boil of indignation and falsely justified entitlement.
now i tryed to isolate and stay all to myself but what i needed to stay that way just happened to be out there with all of you others of whom i allude to in my tawdry cryptic twisted up sentences.i want to live the way i think now different and positive,i want to move and groove my way thru life not having to look down in order to not drive myself crazy by looking all around in constant suspicious calculation.i want to just be and to be in the particular moment of wherever i am without looking inside myself to find correlation with yesterday.this recovery language and this walk i am walking right now does have its moments that cause me to think about taking a quick peek over my shoulder to see how far it would be to go to get back to a then if things get too bad but the distance is to great and the substance is to fragile and hollow.i dont worry about tomorrow cause i know i cant plan for that all i can do i plan on dealing with it .i dont have any fears or felony warrants and no body is actively trying to ,kill me(at least that i kn ow of).therefor there is no reason to ever have to lie again and there is no way i can even pretend that i could steal or do the dance of the streets and the criminal culture.got rid of all that mess by long long long years of re-programming my mindset courtesy of the Great State of California's Department of Corrections(God Bless Em)i got a lot of stuff to say and a lot of life to live and no room for negative regression and deviation.a lot of what io will be saying is hard stuff,pretty rude and will sound socio-pathic as a motherfucker.hmmm i guess iot will be real talk though.there is a lot to me and a lot to say.so yesterday start practicing your retirement speech and pick the music you prefer for your final dirge.and i will give fair warning and ample opportunity to those from yesterday who want to dwell there in perpetuity to stay there all alone talking to the fading shade if who i was to them.if you need to hear some specific words from me to salve your wounded whatever hey hollah! ikf not then let me offer you a generic substitute right now to hold yoU over.'MY BAD DAWGIE DAWG!"
No comments:
Post a Comment