there was a time when nothing much mattered to me except the next fix in the multi-leveled structure of my addictions immense diversity. There was no way I was going to do anything but get mine and I didn't care in the slightest about the great downward spiral that had so many surrendering in soul and mind to a hell of madness and in their bodies to disease and death. Basically though that was just what I was doing though dying and it took a long time before I decided that I would rather live.
It was a total reality I was addicted to, a reality of escape and ironically it became a reality of cages. I was caged up in my mind and soul and that was a much colder place than the cages of stone and steel that ended up holding me so often when my stone cold arrogance and addictive needs forced me to compound the crime of my self abuse, by abusing the laws of society and basic morality.
Trying to escape the reality I felt sentenced to live in I created a cage of behavioral, chemical and illusory transcendence. Trying to feed the pains of need that threatened those illusions with realities stark return I created a cage of denial. In the rare, rare moments that I ever sought to discover why I did what I did, why I felt like I did I had to accept that there was not a magical answer because my trip was all mine, yes it was all in the same place with a bunch of folks doing the same thing but what led us all there was the thing to wonder about. My thing has always been mine. I was in the shadows of the physical and emotional negativity that lays in wait for any kind of addiction, what led me into the ambush was where the problem was. It was and is the same problem that everyone falls into when they find themselves in the grip of anything addictive.
Everything evolves!
As with the physical nature of life, emotion also evolves and in our rapidly mutating society the stimulating factors of emotion have also evolved. They have evolved into complex structures of content, action and reaction. The end results of all emotion are familiar but what takes a hold of the mind and leads it to specific conclusions in addiction are situations with factors as complex as any mathematical equation. Those factors are involved in the determination of reaction and the eventual actuality of the end result and all of the realities of yesterdays generations and their answers or lack thereof are insufficient to try and apply in determining what goes wrong today. We know what the end results will be; yet only a conceptual sense of understanding can ever be proclaimed because,
Everything evolves!
In my reality of addiction there was a rebellion of mind and soul, and most of all a glaring oh so evident understanding of my distinct difference from all around me in my so-called peer group. I knew I stood out that that fat old sore thumb so I decided to use my rebellion as a weapon against the emotions of embarrassment and humiliation I was supposed to be feeling. It didn't help that I was a genetic anomaly blessed (and often cursed) by a mind further evolved than those in my age group. I was always consciously aware of my difference and from an early age decided that fuck you was the way to go. What I wanted of course had never existed in the form I visualized, what I used to try and get it was behavior cold and vicious and drugs that were much more dangerous than any generation before had experienced, and in sub-cultural expressions that were much, much more diverse and dangerous than anything known before. My music was new, my style was new, my slang was new, my fears were new and my dreams were of a new kind of reality. I was in the same old places; they were just illuminated by a new shade of light.
Your old world and my new one had become so diverse, technical, advanced and impersonal. The blending of genetics and cultures had created sub-cultures that constantly evolved with greater and greater speed. Gone were generational fads that lasted until they rusted and rotted, now every few months and every new record had the potential to inspire cultural and behavioral change. The racial, religious, moral, and basic overall genetic fabric of society was evolving. Evolving into new realities with new standards of physical nature, emotional content and consent, and new moral expectations. The simplicity of desire, rigid codes of behavior, the clarity of right and wrong, environmental pureness, physiological wholesomeness and the time structures of adolescence, puberty, maturity, conscious awareness and death had all gained new definition in their evolutions.
Chemical and dietary intake, environmental toxicity had created changes in the world. Coupling that with new expressions of style, behavior and racial definitions meant that the changes in attitude and expression also brought with them new types of mental disorder, disease and new chemical side effects that constantly mutated to evolve into a complex misunderstood existence. The causes and effects of this evolution created the kinds of turmoil that easily led me, so many others (perhaps even you) into a world of internal anarchy and addiction.
I am no expert on evolutionary change as a scientific whole but by virtue of a razor sharp mind, experience and most importantly survival I am an expert on the causes and effects of my addictions evolution and when it comes to methamphetamine yours too! It almost destroyed me as a rational, distinct, and singular personality. It almost destroyed my body, my emotional content, my morality, my relationship with my family, my ability to dream, my ability to comprehend my behaviors effect, my capacity to feel, my desire to exist and my future. I am probably not too different than someone you might know, someone you are or someone you might just become.
Everything evolves.
It was an evolution of unfocused personal desires, ignorance, physical tolerances and of course misery. It was an attempt to escape the prison of a hated reality, a reality constructed by my own misconceptions, misinterpretations, confusion and a twisted sense of need and definitions of fulfillment. I evolved into my own world of addiction, an addiction of mind, body and soul and an addiction to a specific type of environmental setting, a different world in the middle of the same old reality, with a new set of faces always playing with the ever changing rules in the same old game of illusionary life.
Where the boundaries began I could never quite recognize. When it took control I could not say. Why it happened I really didn't care and where I was going didn't even matter.
It became a world of an addiction to consuming and desperate to escape. It was worse than anything I ever imagined, worse than could ever be admitted and it was the best thing I ever felt.
Taking a look back at it all I sometimes think I should feel hate, but who or what? Me? What I have become is still quite unfocused, what I still have yet to do is much more than I can visualize, whoever I am I just have to accept.
It was easy to make excuses just as it was easy to ignore the truth about my reality. It was oh so easy to fail and even easier to just say why not.
It is much harder to accept responsibility and reality, it will be hard to succeed but hey nothing is as hard and final as the death I was headed for.
It is a personal story, the same old story, the history, the reality, the future, its you and me.
Everything evolves.
It seemed like no matter what I did I could not escape a stark critical evolution of soul in a world seemingly without pity, my world in all its glorious immorality and desperation. It was a cage of my own careless creation, a hell of my own personal design. It was an addictive existence I hated because I could not get enough of it. Whenever I thought I had had enough of it I would create just enough of a reason to give it all one more chance.
Unwilling to try and identify with and exist among the mainstream mass of society defined as normal I used the crutch of my personal rebellion and paranoia to evade any responsibility for my failure to co-exist. I decided that it was all about survival and personal fulfillment of my twisted desires, a mentality that led me deeper and deeper into the ignorance of that addictions escape.
With false optimism I enthusiastically embraced a hopeless notion that there was a place of illumination and soulful release to be found hidden somewhere in the reality of my addiction. Illusorily I hypnotized my inner self with a promise of a great public dramatic moment that would expose the true nature of a suppressed level of life that would justify my social rebellion and reward me with something better. Really though the only thing I ever gained was forever nothing and every moment of that life was lived only to be forgotten as the thirst for more ripped away at my mind and soul.
The essence of my personal desires were predicated on the same things desired by the mainstream of society money, love, blah, blah, blah. They were things I kept well cloaked because they were so far apart from the mindless clichéd desires of those around me in my rebellion numbness, pain, misery and death. I had descended into a world where I tried to force a conscious ascent into a confused state of awareness. I wanted the same passion and contentment as anyone else, I was doomed trying to get it the absolute wrong way and every one around me had such an apparent and seething loathing of emotion except for the negative embraces of hate, despair, self destruction, self pity and the suicidal tendencies of a progressive death by a continually evolving and toxic addiction.
Everything evolves.
As I left behind the last vestiges of my innocence and youth gone without a trace was the simple right and wrong it will all pass so quickly flexibility of childhood experience and youth. No longer was life viewed as a carefree series of hazy days somewhat safely tasted in the defined structures of my adolescences semi controlled activities. No now the raw grainy emphatic urgency of the critical situations I encountered in my substainment requirements kept my adrenaline at full flow in the fear, seriousness and make or break, right here right now demands of a gutter level streetwise hand to mouth existence. Everything I wanted I had to steal, take, beg or con and the only thing I could take for granted was the stone cold fact that no one cared for me in the slightest in this self imposed exile from the reality of life beyond what I could do for them or who I could be for them at the lowest possible cost to them and their emotional and physical nature and at the greatest cost to mine.
My own emotional landscape was soon devastated torn apart by the relentless stattacco pounding of deceit both felt and sadly practiced. I could not with all of my presumed ability to rationally think discern any possible reason why I couldn't find what is was looking for from my snake eye level view of the society that gazed in passing down at me and my "peers" with barely disguised contempt and hostility as we wallowed so shamelessly in the mire of our pathetic immorality.
I was evolving into a singular personality that was none the less indistinguishable from those around me, all of us being the victims of a state of "Internal Anarchy" that chaotically seethed beneath the surfaces of haughtily exuded in charge mentalities, trying to fool each other with auras of self confidence that cloaked insecurity and farcical images of innocence that masked the impurity beneath.
Home was a figurative word and world as the literal reality of personal space was the streets, cheap motels, mass habituated squats, someone else's façade of home, dirt lots and of course back alleys all of them like sick soundstages visibly deteriorating with each passing moment and hit. Everywhere and anywhere they were all tainted with the distinct aromas of fear, confusion, lust, desperation, mildew, human waste, sweat and the always prevalent lingering odor of stale casual bought or sold sex that assaulted the senses with the base, degrading scents of one of natures spectrum of cologne.
Daylight was an always-dreaded illumination of what was seen as societies hectic reality. It slammed home the impact of pathetically filthy and habitually sordid cesspools of humanity. It was a time of frantic forced haste as the material substances to fuel a shadow world were sought. Nights were a blessed time of sensory relief and alleviation from the literal oppressive weight of the sun on tired and bloodshot eyes. It was then a world of darkness that denied society a good look at what life often hid. Hiding from the assault of societies sights and sounds at full daily throttle, the muted artificial glow of the streetlights provided eerie almost haunted backdrops that hid the ravages of time, drugs and sacrifice on the bodies and in the souls afflicted by addictive reality.
Every night was a figurative black tie affair as the weight of negativity hung around the neck always expectant of another victim's soulful death by slow strangulation. The only passionate sense of romance was directed towards our evident yet unexpressed love of a personal self-destruction. The tragic histories of tortured lives could then be read in the eyes that stared without focus, wide open exposing another drop in the vast sea of inner souls experiencing a gothic renaissance of primeval confusion and pain,
Here I am, there we were, how it was, was how it was supposed to be.
Everything evolves.
And so had I just like so many others following the addictive path of temporary escape. My body was riddled with the tracks from the not always razor sharp needles that autographed my arms with the signature of the demon of addiction as I delivered a steady stream of poison into a frantically beating heart. My soul was tarnished by a steady stream of inner frustrations tears as I followed a worn and corroded trail that scarred my soulful landscape like so many other lost and still losing losers, all flowing in a current of hopeless desperation to a slow and pre-mature suicide of addiction to mind altering, sensory numbing chemicals consumed in a toxically tainted addictive environment, chasing viscerally rooted delusionary dreams.
I constantly craved more and more of what affected me less and less in a quietly destitute vacuum of rational trying to escape every minute nuance of life that was chemically transformed into a crashing symphony of hectic irritation.
The thirst for a flash of illumination took me to great heights in my chemically stimulated meditation; a meditation that only inevitably exposed the delusion-racked wonderland of my own pseudo Alice likes imagination.
Fueled by the fires of subconsciously perverse desires, I was drifting high above the reality of self. The true intent of the unalterable purpose of addiction that numbed my mind and soul against the real or imagined pain of reality always showed me (and I ignored) what I was really destined for, to chase feelings that never returned after the rush of the hit, the moment, the experience.
I would chase them a thousand miles each trip without ever moving an inch. Entranced in a stupor by a taunt of perfection, perfectly aware by the non virtue of hard earned scarring experience that the only place I could really ever go was crazy, that all I could ever feel in each of those instants would never be enough.
The inevitable plunge of the comedown always exposed a hell of mind that beckoned and reached out with cold scaly fingers to pluck me out of the artificial reverie of my high, pulling me further each time into the turbulent waters of an insanities endless sea. A sea that did contain a technical nirvana of soul, not of joyful bliss but instead the blank unfeeling indifference of a mad nesses lobotomy of soul.
Languishing in my coma of reason that denied true existence, nothing could be done except to silently rail against my self inflicted disease of life. In an inane acceptance of that irrational logic I swore that it would only be a matter of time before my lofty gutter presumptions and the mind-altering sense of my addictions twisted perceptions would expose the way out of the unacknowledged but self created prison that held me hostage in the grip of visual and sensory denial. I perversely assumed that I alone was strong and special enough to survive this trial and come to attain that higher awareness, prying victory from the forlorn hope of my personal rebellions assault on the fortress that shielded true life. Little did I know that the only time and place awaiting me was an endless horizon of death where the discarded shells of failed lost addicts lay bleaching in the fiery glow of a hells white hot heat. In ignorance I forged ahead on a road to that brand of fate, losing all concept of time or reality in the swirling hypnotizing spell of the rush.
At the rushes explosion in each one of the infinite times I slammed the plunger home I always felt like a million bucks in a plug nickel world at the irretrievable cost of my youth, my sanity and the future of my life's potential yet to come. Rotting away on the inside my body shuddered with the not so numbed ravages of internal decay and the constant pounding of disappointment and deceit that ripped away at the layers of emotion.
Every action was a clichéd response of reflexive instinct from the physical nature of the bodies movements to the dry predictability of words and phrases all construed to further the quenching of the thirst of my addictive desire to have it all for me and to leave half of nothing for the world around me.
It was only at times when exhaustion and the end of the line cause my pockets were empty, all doors were closed and everybody could outrun me option of the last resorts disappointment forced me to drop like a rock into a nightmare racked coma would I stop trying to get more of the poison that was destroying my being with that false sense of hyper awareness and temporary pleasure that cloaked the addictions slow and steady march through my being.
It was more than just a physical need you know, a quick fix to bring fulfillment it was and addiction that was also mental, soulful and environmental. I had to have it right now, it had to be just right and it had to be somewhere adequately suited to revel in the celebration of my impending death disguised as life with my soul able to gasp in the noxious gas of the addictive realities mist. Every time I indulged I would think that what I was feeling right then was how it should and how hopefully it would be forever. Like a flash it would blissfully explode and in a flash it would disappear with greater speed than the time before until the frequency of my need was one long continual stab of pain in my body and soul that had to be fed at any cost. Like a twisted up rag puppet on a laughing set of strings I was dancing to a pitiless masters dirge of control.
It was a time of feeling all alone in the shadows of countless other victims, in the midst of another festering boil of humanity in the heart of a dingy little corner of a city, where in a sea of a million faces I could never find the eyes of a friend. I was drowning in an aether of negativity and disregard that flowed straight to my brains core in a never-ending torrent. Every look was the gaze of a potential enemy and every place I went felt like an already conquered territory. My every thought felt like it was a line in an open book exposed for the whole world to read and throw back in my face with the spittle of a venomous laugh of spite.
I automatically assumed that it was the survival of the treacherous fittest in a game everyone had to be playing and by rules I had to figure out as I went. A macabre sense of form dictated what I thought and what I did in that game of life I was dying to play. Of course the fact that my psychotic imaginings and ultra paranoid fears were the product of well documented and long declared side effects mattered not to my warped reasoning of mind.
Without anything to base comparison on in my history of experiences in that addictive reality, my assumption of a universal conspiracy of deceit towards me was pre-dominant so I justified my selfish intentions with that thought and did whatever I thought and felt was necessary to get the material substances needed to fuel my escape.
Blinded to reason I became enough of a creature of habitual action that I would just take to have and hold, to use and abuse throwing away any scraps that remained in the emotionally empty landscape that stained the parody of the world I lived in, a place of existence I mistakenly thought was all the life I would need and tragically assumed was all the life I would ever find. Lost in that kind of a conscious nightmare I dreamed a dream or a thousand of the emotional and chemical paradise I wanted so badly to be my eventual destination. I never realized (when I needed to) that the mirage like specter was just an illusion created by the fire in my soul, drifting in the billowing smoke from the emotional bridges I burned in my personal revolutions campaign against the occupying thought of logic and reasoning that always tried to tell me that it was all for nothing and that nothing would remain of my soul if I did not stop.
Damned by the treason of my own mind and soul all order of life that could have been was plundered in the Chaos of an Internal Anarchies supreme reign. Without anyone or anything I could turn to for help the personal messiah of my conscience lay effectively muted.
In the rare times I dreamed of actually trying to escape or change the inevitable one more time, one more hit before I quit would welcome me back into the disorder of my addiction. Looking into the mirror of inner reflection what I would see was a thing so consumed it made me presume that there was no recourse available that could arrest the downward spiral of my souls flow. Not being able to make the adjustment needed to return to the mainstream of rational societies reality there was no choice it seemed but to remain in the comfort of the irrationality of my addictions existence. I was never more alive than when I was dying a bunch of little deaths every day. Yes I was always alone figuratively, I had countless companions though, all of us victims of our own brand of the same disease of mind and soul, sharing the same symptoms, headed for the same inglorious finality, the only real difference lay in the opposing complications that led us individually to the same identical infection and guided the heart, mind and soul to different levels of addiction. We were all entranced by a false sense of amnesiac totality that could sometimes mask the traumas of our yesterdays, a frail almost transparent illusion of reality that transcended the harsh actuality of today with an expectant but ludicrous hope of that tomorrow transformed into something just a bit more pliable and forgiving.
In each and every beginning there is an end, but in addictive realities one that can never truly be forgotten it seemed until a blanket of madness, a soulless finality of a cruel and wasted death brought to a close another little overly dramatic and totally predictable vignette of counter existence that left no lasting impression of its tragedy as it passed into the cold computation of another impersonal set of statistics, an end that could never justify the means of such an extreme of life.
Everything evolves.
In my reflections I can now understand a lot of what went on and what goes on in the minds and souls of the lost and soon to be losing, I didn't always want to understand shit but my high but as I evolved I had no other choice. A conscious decision took me every where I went and when it was all tasted and done my desire to live, my need to accept my theoretical limitations and to understand what life was really all about, and my conscious acceptance of my addiction and my addictive lifestyle made it mandatory to define it and move the fuck right along.
Nothing was too immoral or criminal at one time, now nothing is more important than the confrontation and defeat of that addictive mindset. Now I am addicted to life. I realize I wasn't always as hard as the image I proffered but I was also more harder and treacherous than you would care to discover. All I can do is call like I saw it, like I felt it and like I gleefully inspired it. If you see yourself and want to hate me for exposing who you are, so sorry about your luck. Get over it and yourself, if I had to then really so do you. If you can't believe its me talking just remember.
Everything Evolves
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