Well after way too many optomistic hopes of getting back in touch and in the flow that i was in,now all I seem to be doing is fending off the pessimistic twinges off my minds default position of what the fuck ever.
I always suspected while i was under the influence of my poison that everything I was doing was right up on a big screen somewhere but you know , that was to be expected.There are absolute and unavoidable side effects to chemical substances that none of us can escape or avoid no matter how hard we might pretend to try.
I was so busy pretending to be involved in some complex personal experiment of trying to study human behaviour and trying to spot the uncharacteristic physical behaviour in every one around me that i actuall figured out a lot of stuff.But at the end of the day i was just another reprehensible tweaking fool.
I had did about 9 flat years in one of many other small stretches in prison and I painstakingly reprogrammed my own mind.I got out and sent myself into exile from all my comfort zones and settled down to an existence of mundane obscurity.I was slapped into concious awareness by a situation and the next thing i knew i was off and running in the fast lane of real life.I was traveling around with the Big Circus and when it got to town I was one of a few dozen ringmasters all scurrying around full of good intention and bad behaviour.I was so wrapped up in the proffesionally preffered image of myself that i did not have time to work on the the bare minimum daily requirement of me i needed to get right.
I had a brilliant idea or two and decide to half ass work on them but well,well well it seemed i might have successfully gotten rid of my predelictions for crime but not criminal behaviour.getting high is criminal and the way i got high was a capital crime.I liked to get mighty high.
now let me tell you one thing,i had been getting mighty high for decades and most people in the world have no fuckin idea of what tweaking is all about.there are a myriad of similarities like i said chemical side effects are universal and unescapable .I like to use an anology that i say we are all like bullets,bullets all have a casing a firing pin thingy gunpowder and a slug,,pow right?well the thing is there are a lot of different calibers though.Thats where we differ when it comes to tweaking i was like the primary round in a big bad ass Jeffery Nitro Express knocking trees out of the ground.
I will never make any aplogies for my actions out there in the big game of sub-cultural chemically influenced decadence in a back hand to your mouth existence of fun and games felony edition.
"IF YOU WERE IT THAT GAME YOU WERE FAIR GAME'"and that went for me too.I am sorry that I was a fucking big dog predator who strived to to be on the top off the pile and the last man standing whatever it took whether by brute force or weasely wiley scurrilous scandolous manipulation.I read somewhere that being the last man standing usually meant that you were standing in an empty room and that was o.k. too,hell that was what my tweaking ass usually wanted in the first place. to be all alone and to push the stardrive warp engines to brand new speeds and levels of reaction.
when i went to wallow in the filth again this last time a little more than 4 years ago it was only for a moment or two i thought.i used to declare that i was not going to fll into the cliched struggling artist thing but since life has had a tendency to manifest the thing that my mind and soul bring to life by my overanalyzing and cursing me to the very same karmic demise i swore i would not see or participate in.ha ha ha aha you stupid motherfucker get a load of your own personally designed hell. so here i am after another long jolt in places that most of you would seek to cut your fucking throat in standing tall after taking it on the chin and shrugging it off,the first second i walked out those prison doors i forgot about it no adjustment period .there i was and here i am now .pretty simple.
this time i am doing all the once cliched and laughed at things we are supposed to do to try and get right and it is a litle bit of a struggle n ot so much in doing the thing but trying to do it surrounded by others who can have a tendency to wear it all like a badge of honor or even dishonor right on the sleeves of the exposed soul like merit badges.
some of those badges are sincere and an absolute nessecity for so many who dont have the luxury or the curse of an overdeveloped shortcircuited brain,
I cant even begin to judge anybody or pretend i have a right to know what they got going on in the recesses of their minds and souls no matter how much i want too or how much i see written on their faces and in their intents and actions, now thats hard..
so i am going to go through this process,i can see every day how vital and important it is to so many people,i can see how much that life itself depends on it in the rooms and in the places where our particular kind of people tend to congregate.I am working on me and the face i present to the world around me and i an trying to remember that my actions and my words are the clothes that dress up the aura i project to the world around me.
i get the feeling quite a bit of the time that people i once knew or even better thought i knew are scared of me and or wonderering how long it will be before some great hidden selfish ulterior motive will rear up its ugly head and strike.
I get the feeling that others actually know who it is and was that used to live in the hypothetical privacy of my madman incarnations during long years of that mighty fucking high tweaker motherfucking dog days i loved to live and die in.
I get many feelings and i know that i could indavidually craft and structure the right hings to say to each and every person i know but what for,to create a whole new bunch of me's to replace the whole bunch i left behind and a few i am still trying to get rid off?
nooooo!i think i will just talk to myself here in this little empty cyber room and tell it like it was and how i see it as being in the language of me.
for forms sake i will right here right now apologize for any inadequacies of your own personalities society that might leave you with feelings of whatever when it comes to me if you know me or think you know me or think you know it all.
i apologize if anything i ever did to you made you take inventory of yourself and your place in the great scheme of schemes that was the game baby,
i am sorry to those who every time they look in the mirror think of me with whatever kind of emotion.
i apologize if i hurt your feelings,i apologize for the fact that i dont really have any remorse or regret over any yesterday i lived under the influence of the chemical force of my own personal addiction,an addiction that inspired my own state of internal anarchy.
i am sorry though if you ever thought you knew the me that i was in the times that i wasnt cause those times were the best i ever gave.03 to 07,you know who you and i thought i kn ew you but as the saying goes all i really know is that i probably dont know shit.
anyhow please please pretty motherfucking please dont blame me for anything bad that is going on in your own mind when it comes to any interaction with me,if i did you dirty or wrong it was in the flow of the game and we all know my philosophy on that and if it wasnt in that flow then it probably didnt happen and if by some chance it did then you probably had it coming.
anyway i aplogize and now i must be moving on cause i got a few million things to say.dont blame me if your feeling get or got hurt,dont blame me for any inability to comprehend or accept the truth of what i say cause it is all truth,that is real as real can get,i wont hold anything back and i dont pull punches even when they are headed my way,if anyone has any issues withn the way they are in correlation to anything i say then dont blame me ,blame genetics.
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