Yesterday I was stalked thru the alleys of my life by the shadow of my death, ripping at my conscience by tormenting my mind,
With the screaming ghosts of long ago perpetrated sins conspiring to inspire me into murder by suicide and a trip to a hell before its scheduled time.
I would make needless sacrifices of myself running from those lingering shadow ghosts, leaving little lizard tail like pieces of morality behind as delusionary bait,
Not missing them at the time because stripped down to bare minimum in the chase for maximum advantage in my disease those morals were just dead weight.
Preaching to a choir of those shadows whenever I caught I would catch my breath, I would rant about trials and tribulations in pious sermons of course chemically over amplified,
Stitching together random shreds of co-incidental occurrences and bits of bullshit into sad stories worthy of my dirty curbside qualifies.
No matter how high I stood on my soapbox of pallets, words would fall on deaf ears until my own next inevitable collapse,
So in order to hustle up some sympathy I broke up those pallets, built a cross and learned how to crucify myself with Velcro straps.
I sought out the proper stages and with contrite actions and insincere words I would seek out an audience for show and tell,
Trying to channel a higher powers attention thru mass mesmerization while claiming the right to know about spirituality because I had so often been thru hell..
I would get higher and higher trying to transcend and I would actually feel spiritual as the rushes hit me and my knees would hit the ground,
Losing an eternity there looking for forever chasing a million scattered thoughts trying to piece together one truth pure and profound.
Now admittedly if I would have had even one of my legs to stand on i would have probably managed to stumble into an even sadder demise,
Than the broken fun house mirror shard reflections of existence I still managed to chemically, mistranslate thru the lenses of my blood shot blackened eyes.
To me it was pure reality in my delusions deception because I needed to perceive something other than what I always pre-cognitively saw,
Waiting for my return to sanity at the end of the tunnels vision in the stark silence of each forlorn episodes epitaph.
I thought I had long lost the right to any divine intervention chasing hit after drink after hit after drink, gleefully perpetuating my disease,
Twisting the facts to always shift blame as I lied to myself and had the nerve to pretend to pray since I was already down on my knees.
In every end then all I was, was who I mocked in others, a cliché full of predictable contradictions prone to bad choices made in fashions dramatic,
Justifying my residual sordid circumstances with intricate excuses to assign blame to over exaggerated issues only hypothetically traumatic.
A cookie cutter chemical curse-onality full of grandiosity, pretensions and sub-cultural plumage all preened up to self-impress,
Hypnotizing only me though in self-pity mirror moments between the dignity shredding compromising that infected my existence in an addictive world of stress.
I'm still on my knees these days in front of a figurative mirror, trying to focus in on the man who now returns my look,
With the confidence of someone who has no more guilty secrets hiding in the back pages of his life's now open book.
It is still a long way to tomorrow I must accept, as yesterday and those shadows and ghosts are now slowly starting to fade to black,
Blending into the recesses of my mind where my bad memories can exist to be forgotten and perhaps never come back.
To all those ghosts and shadows, real or figmentary from one or another of my pasts I'll say I'm sorry and goodbye even if they can't hear anything I say,
As my karma stops spinning me in a spiral into that valley of the shadows of my death as I catch my breath, I have decided to start living to live instead of dying even if it is Just for Today!
